Growing up · 2026-05-17

How Did You Build It So High?

How do our everyday words of praise shape how children face challenges? Discover the power of the growth mindset and how to praise effort over traits.

Young children are always eager to show us their masterpieces: a teetering tower of wooden blocks, a sheet of paper covered in energetic crayon scribbles, or a freshly tied shoelace. As adults, our most natural response is often to say, "Great job" or "You are so smart". These words are full of love and represent our instinctive way of offering encouragement. But what do these everyday phrases actually teach our children about learning?

The trap of being 'smart'

Psychologist Carol Dweck has spent decades researching how our words shape a child's motivation. Her work reveals a fascinating insight: the way we praise children profoundly affects how they handle future challenges ¹. When we frequently praise children for being "smart" or "talented," they can begin to develop what researchers call a fixed mindset.

Emphasising effort gives a child a variable that they can control.

— Carol Dweck

If a child believes they succeeded simply because they are inherently smart, a quiet worry can take root: does struggling with a new puzzle mean I am not smart anymore? To protect their identity as a "smart" child, they might start avoiding difficult tasks, fearing that a mistake will strip away their special label. Success becomes about proving their ability, rather than expanding it.

Seeing the invisible work

Instead of evaluating the final product, we can empower children by acknowledging the process, the effort, and the strategies they used along the way. This requires us to shift our gaze away from the finished block tower and toward the quiet moments of concentration that built it.

"I noticed you tried three different blocks before you found the one that balanced perfectly on top." When we narrate a child's actions like this, we send a powerful message: the process matters more than a perfect outcome. Focus, trial and error, and the resilience to start again when the tower falls—these are the qualities that truly help children grow.

When children realise their hard work is seen and valued, they naturally cultivate a growth mindset. They learn that their abilities are not set in stone, but are like muscles that grow stronger with practice and new strategies.

Turning praise into a conversation

Sometimes, the most supportive praise is not a statement at all, but a genuine question. The simple act of asking "why" or "how" invites children to reflect on their own thinking. This is a lovely way to connect. Just as Sparkie might ask a child, "How did you decide to paint the leaves blue?", we can also invite children to become the narrators of their own learning.

When we set aside our adult urge to evaluate and instead show genuine curiosity, we offer a deep form of companionship. We might ask, "Which part of your drawing is your favourite?" or "What was the hardest part about building this bridge?" These questions show children that we are not just interested in what they produce, but in how their wonderful minds work.

Try this at home

• Describe what you see: The next time your child shows you a creation, pause before calling it beautiful. Instead, describe the details: "I see you used bright yellow right here in the corner, and drew lots of small circles over there."
• Praise the strategy: Rather than a generic compliment, point out exactly what they did well. "You really concentrated when you lined up the velcro on your shoes and pressed it down firmly."
• Swap a judgment for a question: When your child runs up to you with a finished project, hand the microphone back to them: "How did you manage to build it so high?" Let them have the joy of telling you the story.